My Bloody Valentine (2009) Director: Patrick Lussier

Possibly the worst film I've ever seen.

That's a bold statement, I realise. And perhaps I was missing the point of My Bloody Valentine as I saw it in 2D rather than I didn't quite appreciate viscera flying towards me. I may have said the same if I'd seen Avatar in and stuff...flying at me.

Anyway, I digress slightly - in 3D, I think My Bloody Valentine would have been just as bad. The problem lies with the frankly awful script (hang on, Avatar again?) and the really bad over-acting and gurning of lead character Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles).

The film starts off well as a miner pick-axe psychoville slash-fest could start - a disgruntled miner slays a hospital ward and puts a heart in a Milk Tray box. Then we cut to some teens playing down a mine and the naughty miner man kills most of them off too by poking a boy's eye out and making a cutie swallow a spade. It's all very nasty and grim.

Where the film goes downhill is when the plot gets moved to 'modern day' hicksville...the characters do nothing to make you like them, the film is totally confused and it just gets really offensive. I appreciate that 80s horror movies - as MBV is a remake of what Quentin Tarantino cites as the 'best slasher film of all time' - have lots of girls with their boobies out but MBV 2009 is really taking a step back in its portrayl of women. I'm not a prude but I don't particularly want to watch a full-frontal nude woman get stalked and slashed with such detail I know what bikini wax she prefers. Is this really how we've progressed with our entertainment? There's a time and a place for a la-la but not here!

And of course we have all the made-for-3D dull bits like scary miner waving his pick-axe at the camera and a jaw flying off screen at you.

It's so dire. Most horribly, the ending sets us up for another one. Please no.

I want to go and see Ponyo now.