Machete (2010) 18, Director: Robert Rodriguez

You know what you're getting with a Rodriguez film; blood, guts and a real wild ride. Machete is tremendous, with the WONDERFUL Danny Trejo as the former Fed turned Death Wish. Danny Trejo should be in, or on, more things - his superb features deserve to be on cereal packets, pillow cases and place mats. He has a face that you can never get bored of. Woefully underused in Predators, he should also be the leading man a lot more. Babes can't get enough of him, especially as Machete where he gets jiggy with Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriquez, Lindsay Lohan AND her on-screen Mum. Forget Sex Panther, gents. Just rub on some of Danny Trejo's sweat and you'll be laughing.
In the opening sequence of Machete, heads get chopped off. Many, many heads. What follows next really doesn't matter as Rodriquez is striving to be as outrageous as ever, and this is definitely played for laughs. Machete is a comedy and a real homage to exploitation cinema. Shall we crucify a priest in his own church? Of course. What about using a man's intestines to abseil? Check. How about we gun down a pregnant Mexican lady as she tries to escape across the border? Why, yes. And let's have Don Johnson doing it. With Robert De Niro cheering him on.
Machete is wonderfully bonkers, a revenge flick which follows the usual kind of formula. Baddie drugs baron Rogelio (Steven Seagal - YESSSS!) kills Machete's wife and daughter following our hero being betrayed by his corrupt Police Chief. 15 years on, Machete gets double crossed again in a plot to assassinate corrupt Texan Senator McLoughlin (De Niro, having a ball). All kinds of shit hits the fan as peeps get mixed up with other peeps, and Machete uses his sexual allure to get all the women on his side including the super-hawt Agent Sartana (Jessica Alba). We learn Machete don't text, and he won't stop to avenge the deaths of those he loves. It pays to be his mate. He's pretty loyal.
Many didn't 'get' this film and to be honest, they're not the target audience. Rodriquez's love of cinema and his love of women spills out from every pore - sure, we have a woman pulling out a mobile phone from her va-jay-jay, but all of these women are powerful, ass-kicking and ballsy. We can't wait to see what Lady Gaga does in Machete Kills. Rodriquez is always going to be extreme; lap it up and enjoy the dark, dark comedy.
4/5 head explosions